
The Unique Perspective of Living Abroad: Understanding "Otherness" and Empathy
Oct 11, 2024
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Introduction
Living abroad for 22 years and traveling frequently to Africa and Asia for business has profoundly shaped my worldview, particularly my understanding of what it means to be "other." This experience has cultivated a deep sense of empathy for marginalized people in the U.S. and highlighted the importance of developing such perspectives to understand the human experience beyond the familiar. My journey began in Iowa and took me through various cultural landscapes, each teaching me invaluable lessons about diversity, acceptance, and empathy.
Early Life and Initial Encounters with Diversity
I was born in Iowa City, Iowa, a place with less than 4% black population, and grew up in Des Moines, where the black population was about 11%. My schools were relatively diverse, and my family instilled in me the belief that all people were equal and deserved respect. However, it wasn't until I moved to Washington D.C. at 24 that I truly began to experience racial diversity. Living in a predominantly white suburb but attending a black urban church with a gospel choir gave me my first significant encounter with cultural "otherness."
Moving to the Netherlands and Beyond
In 1997, I moved to the Netherlands, the whitest place I'd ever lived, with only 2% black population. Despite the lack of diversity, the Netherlands became my launching pad to the rest of the world. My first business trip to China in 2003 was a turning point. The feeling of being completely out of place was overwhelming. The language, food, medicine, and even logic were different. Yet, I encountered human kindness and connection, with people showing patience and delight at my attempts to fit in. This experience, though challenging, enriched my life immensely.

New friends in China as I navigated a country where I couldn't speak the language at all.
South Africa: A Deep Dive into "Otherness"
My numerous trips to South Africa over 20 years were particularly impactful. South Africa's racial diversity and complexity mirrored the inversion of American reality for me. Being part of the 9% white minority in a predominantly African culture was initially intimidating. The historical context of exploitation and economic disparity added layers to my feeling of "otherness." However, over time, I began to feel at home, opening my heart to the South African people while remaining acutely aware of my minority status.

A beloved colleague from my company's South African office who showed me around her country.
Experiencing "Otherness" in Europe
Living in the Netherlands for 21 years and Switzerland for five years presented their own challenges. Despite speaking nearly perfect Dutch and eventually learning the local language in Switzerland, I was constantly reminded of my "otherness." The societal barriers in these countries varied from great in the , clear distinctions between natives and foreigners. Even after years of integration, achieving true acceptance remained elusive.

A group of my students at the gym in Switzerland where I taught weightlifting in French.
The Impact of Being Gay
Adding to this sense of "otherness" was my identity as a gay man. This aspect of my life followed me everywhere, sometimes in my head, sometimes very real. In 2021, while much progress had been made, occasional reminders of my "otherness" persisted. The term "partner" used instead of "husband" by well-meaning people was a subtle but significant reminder of the journey from invisibility to recognition and equality.
The Exhaustion of "Otherness"
Feeling "other" is exhausting. Despite my efforts to fit into various societies by learning their languages and cultures, I could never fully become one of them. This constant reminder of my "otherness" was both tiring and enlightening. It taught me the value of diversity and the deep-seated challenges of systemic "othering" within societies.
Returning to the United States
After more than two decades abroad, I longed for the simplicity and deeper connection I believed I could find back in the United States. Here, I hoped to spend less effort fitting in and more time just being human. However, my experiences abroad made me hyper-aware of how "othering" operates within American society, often subtly but pervasively.
The Call for Empathy and Inclusion
My experiences have instilled in me a profound empathy for marginalized groups. I understand firsthand how systemic racism and other forms of "othering" are ingrained in cultures. This awareness calls us to challenge our dominant narratives, those ingrained stories about how the world works based solely on our experiences and those who share them. To rectify this, we must open our hearts and minds to the experiences of others, forming authentic relationships and truly listening to their stories without imposing our narratives on them.
Embracing God's Infinite Diversity
Embracing diversity enriches our lives and brings us closer to the fullness of our humanity. By "othering" people of different backgrounds, we deny ourselves the richness of their cultures and perspectives. Embracing God's diversity allows us to reclaim parts of ourselves we've abandoned and gain a fuller experience of our collective humanity.
Conclusion
Living abroad and traveling extensively has given me a unique perspective on "otherness" and empathy. These experiences have taught me the value of diversity and the importance of understanding and embracing it. They challenge us to open our hearts and minds, forming authentic relationships with those who are different from us. In doing so, we not only enrich our own lives but also work towards a more inclusive and compassionate society.