As a future pastor in the United Church of Christ, a tradition rooted in extravagant welcome and the belief that "God is Still Speaking," I've spent countless hours wrestling with one of the most potent and complex human emotions: shame. Shame can feel like a heavy cloak, a shadow that follows us, whispering lies about our worth. It's a force that profoundly shapes how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and even how we understand our relationship with the Divine. Yet, as I've come to understand through my faith journey and theological reflection, shame is truly a double-edged sword. It can, paradoxically, serve as a flicker of our moral compass, but far more often, it becomes a cruel chain, binding us not to righteousness, but to conformity and fear.
Let's pull apart these two edges.
The Edge of Conscience: Shame as a Call to Repentance and Reconciliation
At its best, a feeling we often label "shame" is actually closer to healthy guilt or remorse. It's that internal jolt, the knot in your stomach, that signals you've acted against your deepest values, caused harm to another, or broken a relationship – with a person, with creation, or with God.
In Christian terms, this aligns with our understanding of sin, not as just breaking arbitrary rules, but as a state of brokenness, a separation from love and wholeness. When I reflect on times I've genuinely felt this kind of "shame," it's often been after moments of impatience, speaking unkindly out of anger, or failing to show up for someone in need.
I remember a specific instance during a busy volunteer event. I snapped at a fellow volunteer who asked a simple question I perceived as foolish because I was stressed and tired. Immediately, a wave of regret washed over me. It wasn't about being bad, but about realizing I had failed to live out the patience and kindness I strive for as a person of faith. That feeling of shame wasn't destructive; it was a signal. It prompted me to apologize sincerely, repair the momentary rift, and reflect on managing my stress better in the future.
This kind of shame, guided by a healthy conscience, isn't about self-condemnation. It's a sign that our moral compass is active, pointing us back towards love, integrity, and justice. In the Christian tradition, this is the fertile ground for repentance – not groveling, but turning back towards God's ways. And crucially, it leads us towards reconciliation and growth, knowing that God's grace is vast enough to cover our failings and empower us to do better.
The Edge of Societal Normativity: Shame as a Chain of Conformity
But then there is the other edge – the one that cuts deepest and binds tightest. This is the shame imposed by societal norms, expectations, and prejudices. This shame doesn't arise from having done something wrong, but from being perceived as wrong, different, or "not enough" according to arbitrary, often harmful, standards.
Think about the pressures to conform:
Body Image: Shame for not fitting unrealistic beauty standards.
Identity: Shame around sexual orientation, gender identity, race, ability, or background.
Life Choices: Shame for not following traditional paths (marriage, career, etc.).
Emotional Expression: Shame for showing vulnerability or not conforming to gendered expectations of emotion. This can be especially true in our culture when men express their vulnerability and women express their power.
This societal shame is insidious because it tells us that who we are is fundamentally flawed. It's the voice that says, "You are unacceptable because you are different." This is not the voice of a loving God or a healthy conscience; it is the voice of human systems of oppression, fear, and judgment.
For years, I carried a quiet shame about my sexuality and body size that didn't fit neatly into some traditional expectations I'd absorbed from culture and even parts of the church I grew up in. It wasn't about anything I had done, but about who I was. This shame made me hide, perform, and fear being fully known. It felt like trying to constantly shrink myself to fit into a box that wasn't made for me.
This kind of shame alienates us from ourselves, from others, and from the radical, unconditional love of God. It silences our unique voices and stifles the gifts God has given us. It is the antithesis of the abundant life Christ offers.
Finding Grace: The UCC and the Liberation from Toxic Shame
So, how do we navigate this double-edged sword, particularly the toxic edge of societal shame? This is where the heart of the Christian message, and particularly the spirit of the United Church of Christ, becomes a powerful source of liberation.
God's Radical Acceptance (Grace): At the core of our faith is the astounding truth of God's grace. Grace is not earned; it is freely given. It is God's "extravagant welcome" (a UCC phrase we hold dear) extended to all, exactly as we are, with all our imperfections, doubts, and differences. This divine acceptance is the ultimate antidote to shame. It declares, "You are loved. You are worthy. You are enough." This affirmation directly confronts the lie of societal shame.
Created in God's Image: The Bible tells us we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). This means every part of who we are – our bodies, our minds, our identities, our unique ways of being in the world – is created in God's image. To feel shame for these intrinsic parts of ourselves is to deny the goodness of God's creation. The UCC affirms the sacred worth of all people, challenging any theology or societal norm that suggests otherwise.
Jesus Challenged Norms, Not People's Being: Jesus consistently reached out to those marginalized, shamed, and excluded by the religious and social norms of his time. He shared meals with tax collectors, spoke with women who were outcasts, healed on the Sabbath, and challenged the purity codes that created shame. His ministry was one of liberation, inviting people out of the shadows of judgment and into the light of God's love and community.
A Community of Extravagant Welcome: A healthy church, like the one the UCC strives to be, should be a refuge from societal shame. It should be a place where you can bring your full, authentic self and be met not with judgment, but with love, understanding, and affirmation. It's in beloved community that we can share our stories of shame, have them held with compassion, and hear the truth of God's love reflected back to us through others.
Finding a UCC community was transformative for me. It was one of the first places where the parts of myself I had tried to hide weren't just tolerated, but celebrated. Hearing sermons about God's unconditional love, seeing diverse people affirmed in leadership, and experiencing genuine, non-judgmental acceptance from others in the pews began to dismantle the years of internalized societal shame. It was in this space that I truly started to believe, not just intellectually but deep in my soul, that I was loved by God as I am, not as I felt pressured to be.
Living Authentically: A Faith Journey
The journey away from toxic shame and towards authentic living is ongoing. It requires:
Discernment: Learning to recognize the difference between the healthy conviction of conscience (leading to repentance and growth) and the destructive lies of societal shame (leading to hiding and self-condemnation). Our faith, prayer, and community help us hone this discernment.
Self-Compassion: Treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that God offers us, and that we would offer a friend. This is not self-indulgence, but acknowledging our inherent worth.
Community: Actively seeking out and participating in communities, especially faith communities, that practice radical acceptance and offer support.
Challenging Norms: Recognizing that confronting societal shame is also a matter of justice, standing in solidarity with others who are shamed and working to dismantle the systems that perpetuate it.
As a future UCC pastor, I believe that reclaiming our lives from the grip of toxic shame is a vital part of living into the freedom and abundance that Christ promises. It is a process of shedding the false self built on fear and judgment, and stepping into the beloved child of God we were created to be – unique, worthy, and whole. It is on this path of authenticity, guided by grace and supported by community, that we truly live out our faith.
