Extending Compassion & Grace to Those Struggling with their Sexuality

I recently received a message from a woman on Facebook who is navigating a journey she never anticipated—discovering her queerness after years of marriage and family life. She shared her story with me, describing the profound support she has received from her husband, who embraced her truth as she began exploring relationships with women. Now, years later, she is both still married to the same wonderful man and in a relationship with a girlfriend, yet she struggles with guilt—guilt for not being the partner her husband initially expected, and guilt for feeling she might not fully meet her girlfriend’s needs. In this place of self-doubt and searching, she asked me, “Are polyamorous relationships viable? Is what I'm doing sinful?”

Her question struck a chord, and I felt compelled to respond in a way that grounded her experience in the vastness of God’s love. In Scripture, we see expressions of love that are generous and accepting. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul’s words remind us that love is patient, kind, and unconditional—qualities that she and her husband have both shown in their commitment to each other. In our conversation, I tried to offer her a Bible-centered perspective, drawing from the ways God’s love surrounds us even in our most complex relationships and moments of self-discovery. God’s words in Isaiah, “You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,” speak to all of us, reminding us that love, like God’s grace, is limitless and ever-present.

Below are parts of my response to her, offering encouragement, compassion, and faith in the boundless potential for love—even in paths that don’t fit the traditional mold.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes courage and honesty to live in alignment with who you truly are, especially when that journey looks different than what you may have imagined or even hoped for at one point. And certainly looks different from what society approves of or even accepts. And I acknowledge that doing this when you are already well down life's path can be complex.

In Scripture, we find examples of love that embrace complexity and compassion. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes love as patient, kind, and without conditions—qualities we see in your husband’s support for you and in your dedication to your family. It's not an easy journey, but as you honor the love you share and the person you are, you’re striving to embody this love in ways that work for you and those closest to you. It’s clear that both you and your husband have approached this with respect and care, creating space for each other’s growth and needs, which reflects a profound level of love and commitment.

Guilt often arises when we feel like we are letting others down or diverging from the normative roles we are supposed to play. But remember, God’s love is vast and all-encompassing, extending to each of us in our journey to understand ourselves and others. In Isaiah 43:4, God says, “You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.” This reminder is for all of us, especially in times when we feel undeserving or burdened by guilt for being true to ourselves. When we are asked to live normative lives that are different from who God made us to be (whether it's because of our sexuality, gender identity or relatinship style), it's just not fair and it's not right. And I don't believe that should make us feel guilty. As a queer, black, polyamorous woman, you're dealing with a LOT of normative expectations. I imagine that's suffocating. I'm sorry. You must be very brave!

As for polyamorous relationships, they can absolutely be viable, just as any relationship thrives with honest communication, trust, and shared understanding. The path you’re on is unique and will continue to reveal what’s best for you and your loved ones. And though it may be different from more traditional paths, what’s most important is that everyone involved feels safe, respected, and loved. Trust that the love and grace you’re offering each other can help you navigate the complexities with compassion.

Please continue sharing and seeking support. You’re not alone on this journey, and many of us here support you fully. Remember, God’s love is with you in every step you take toward authenticity, peace, and joy. This is ultimately a journey about the inexhaustible nature of love... for yourself, for your husband and for your girlfriend. It's not a finite resource. We only need look at God's infinite love for us as inspiration to understand that.