When considering the intersection of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and faith, many Christians may find themselves grappling with difficult questions about love, commitment, and morality. In a society firmly rooted in a mono-normative tradition (seeing monogamy as the norm), it is difficult to break out of this paradigm without educating oneself through a lens of anthropology, psychology, and sociology, as well as—for Christians—theology and ethics. After much study and contemplation on this contemporary topic, I hope to offer insight and inspiration to others as they consider this it both thoughtfully and prayerfully.
Understanding Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy
Polyamory, a form of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), involves engaging in multiple loving relationships simultaneously with the consent and knowledge of all parties involved. Unlike cheating or unfaithfulness, polyamory is rooted in honesty, transparency, and mutual respect. Ethical non-monogamy can take various forms, including open relationships, swinging, hierarchical polyamory, non-hierarchical polyamory, and relationship anarchy. Though there is often a temptation to oversexualize those living in ENM relationships, ultimately, it is about how human beings form meaningful bonds with one another—something of central importance to all people.
ENM is increasingly embraced across various demographics, with about 4-5% of the general population practicing it actively, reflecting a growing acceptance and desire for relationship flexibility and honesty in modern society. ENM is notably more common among gay men, with research indicating that approximately 40-50% of gay men have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy, compared to 20-25% of heterosexuals. This prevalence can be attributed to the LGBTQ+ community's longstanding emphasis on creating relationship structures that challenge traditional norms and accommodate diverse sexual and emotional needs. This makes the consideration of ENM a central part of the struggle against heteronormativity as well.
Theological and Ethical Insights
Approaching polyamory and ENM from a theological perspective involves examining scripture, tradition, reason, and experience—a tool developed by the Methodists called the Wesleyan Quadrilateral. This tool encourages us to consider different aspects of our faith as we work to understand complex topics, and often provides a more complete analysis of a challenging topic. When applied to ENM, the following should be considered:
Scripture: The Bible contains diverse examples of relationships, including monogamy, polygyny, concubinage, and levirate marriage. While the teachings of Jesus and Paul emphasize monogamy based on the model of Adam and Eve in Genesis, many other forms of relationships are documented in the bible without explicit condemnation. This diversity suggests that relationship norms can evolve and adapt over time. Importantly, Jesus' commandment to love one another (John 13:34) calls us to embrace others with kindness and respect, regardless of their relationship structure.
Tradition: Christian tradition has historically upheld monogamy, influenced by Greco-Roman culture and theological interpretations that view marriage as a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church. However, the tradition of marriage itself has evolved significantly over time. Historically, marriages were primarily economic alliances aimed at consolidating wealth, power, and social status. The concept of marriage as a love-based union is a relatively recent development, gaining prominence in the last few centuries. The evolution of marriage can also be seen in the growing acceptance of marriage equality for LGBTQ+ couples, reflecting society's shift toward valuing love and personal fulfillment over traditional economic or social arrangements. These changes highlight the capacity for Christian communities to adapt and become more inclusive of diverse relationship structures, including polyamory.
Reason: Reason invites us to consider human relationships from the ethical principles of consent, honesty, care and mutuality, as well as consider whether or not harm is being done. Ethical non-monogamy aligns with these principles, emphasizing transparent communication and the well-being of all involved and the avoidance of harm. Breaking away from the dominant sexual ethic of procreativity, modern Christian sexual ethics, as articulated by theologians like Nadia Bolz-Weber, propose a shift from rigid moral behavioral codes ("Tab A MUST be inserted into Slot B") to an ethic based on enthusiastic consent and genuine care for partners. This approach resonates with the fundamental Christian values of love and justice and can be applied universally to all relationship styles.
Experience: As Christians, we are called to witness the truths, identities, and suffering of our fellow humans and respond with compassion and understanding. Opening to the personal and communal lived realities of those in ENM relationships provides valuable insights and can transform our hearts and minds. The testimonies of many of these individuals are tales of personal growth, emotional fulfillment, stronger relationships built on trust and open communication, and a profound sense of joy. Whether or not we can imagine ourselves living their realities, when we acknowledge and respect the love they experience as true for them, we honor the diversity of God's creation and the boundless ways in which love can manifest. By doing so, we create a more inclusive and loving community, reflecting the unconditional love that Christ teaches us. This recognition and acceptance can pave the way for a deeper understanding of our own faith and the myriad expressions of love within it, ultimately leading us to a richer, more compassionate spiritual life.
Ethical Non-Monogamy and Christian Values
Ethical non-monogamy aligns with many core Christian values, including love, honesty, consent, and mutual respect. Jesus’ commandment to love one another as He loved us (John 13:34) calls us to support and understand our siblings in Christ, embracing them with kindness and respect. Ethical non-monogamous relationships, based on consent and integrity, reflect these values by prioritizing transparent communication and mutual care.
Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (4:25) emphasizes the importance of speaking truthfully, which is central to ENM. Similarly, Galatians 3:28 highlights the equality of all individuals, suggesting that relationships should be based on mutual respect and equality, regardless of their structure. Ethical non-monogamous relationships that are founded on justice, love, and humility align with the biblical values expressed in Micah 6:8.
Practical Tools for Inclusion of Individuals Practicing ENM in the Church
Creating an inclusive and affirming church environment involves several practical steps. Developing inclusive language and policies, training clergy and church leaders, and creating safe spaces for discussion and support are essential. Resources such as books, podcasts, articles, and social media groups can provide valuable information and support for individuals exploring or practicing ENM.
Engaging in open and respectful dialogue is crucial. Approach the topic with curiosity and a desire to understand, not judge. Practice empathy by considering the feelings and experiences of people in ENM relationships. Lean on Jesus for guidance, remembering His teachings of love and acceptance. Encourage conversations that foster mutual respect and growth.
Moving Forward with Faith and Integrity
The journey of reconciling polyamory with faith is deeply personal and ongoing. It requires a commitment to self-awareness, personal growth, and open communication. For Christians navigating this path, it is important to trust in God’s plan and seek supportive communities that embrace diversity and love.
I encourage anyone navigating the complexities of polyamory and faith to hold on to hope and seek out inclusive communities. May we all find the courage to live authentically and the faith to trust in the divine plan for our lives. Together, we can create a world where love and acceptance are at the heart of our faith and relationships.
This blog post is based on content from a webinar given as part of the Open & Affirming Coalition's 2024 Summer Webinar Series. A recording of that webinar can be found below.
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