The Art of Living in the Question: Reflections on My First CPE Verbatim

Stepping into my first verbatim presentation for Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) felt a bit like walking onto a stage without a script. For those unfamiliar, a verbatim is a detailed, written account of a pastoral encounter - word for word, pause for pause - presented to a supervisor and a small cohort of peers for intense reflection. It is an exercise in vulnerability, and I am deeply grateful that my professor and my cohort met that vulnerability with incredible support and insight.

The feedback I received was a beautiful mix of affirmation and "growing edges." On one hand, I was encouraged by their recognition of my intentionality regarding God’s grace and my ability to maintain a non-judgmental presence during a difficult conversation. They noted my use of open-ended questions and my effort to apply theological concepts - like the tension between "embedded" and "deliberative" theology - to real-life situations.

However, the most transformative part of the session came when we started digging into the "why" behind my responses.

The Trap of Competency

In the quiet of the reflection room, I realized something about myself: I have a tendency to want to center my own intelligence. In an effort to build a positive image of competency, I often find myself formulating "great ideas" or mental conclusions while the other person is still speaking. I want to show that I "get it," so I reach for academic terms like "embedded theology" or internalize their struggle into a system I can explain.

But as my cohort gently pointed out, what the care receiver actually needs isn't my brilliance - it’s my presence.

When the couple I was visiting used profound language - talking about "how to be us without losing ourselves" or "failing a test I don't even believe in anymore" - I had a choice. I could either offer a "great idea" to fix the feeling, or I could stay in the room with them. My peers suggested that instead of filling in the gaps with my own assumptions, I should have asked: "Can you say more about failing?" or "What does it mean to you to cut off a part of who God made us to be?".

Great Questions Over Great Ideas

This experience taught me that in Pastoral Care, great questions far outweigh great ideas. When I use jargon or jump to a theological conclusion, I am essentially taking the microphone away from the person in pain. I am centering my need to be a "good chaplain" over their need to be heard. My cohort challenged me to "live in the question" - to remain curious even when I think I already know the answer.

One of the most powerful suggestions was to use the care receiver's own theology to help them reframe their struggle. When they mentioned "unconditional love... like Jesus," that was the key. Instead of me explaining grace, I should have asked: "If Jesus has unconditional love for you, would he have unconditional love for you in this moment?" That allows them to do the sacred work of discovery.

Looking Forward: Transparency and Presence

Moving forward into my CPE journey, my goal is to be more transparent and less "polished". I want to:

• Ditch the Jargon: Replace academic terms with the patient’s own language.

  
  

• Unpack the Emotion: Lean into the heavy words like "failure" or "loss" instead of smoothing them over.

  
  

• Deepen Self-Reflection: Acknowledge how my own history and desire for competency might be influencing my responses in the moment.

  
  

The goal isn't to be the person with all the answers; it's to be the person brave enough to sit in the silence of the unanswered. I’m learning that true pastoral competency isn't about how much I know - it's about how well I can listen to what is being said (and what isn't).